I’ve always believed in working hard for what I needed and what I wanted. In high school I worked at a grocery store. In college I worked two jobs. I always kept an open mind: open to new ideas, various ways of doing things, and different points of views. I tried not to be judgmental. I think that was what helped me get along well with all people. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I experienced what all young black males experience: women clutching purses, parents grabbing their children, couples locking arms or reaching for their partner’s hand when they see me. Some even crossed to the other side of the streets. Security guards would follow me around stores. It is just the way it is. You get used to it. It’s random. Back then I didn’t have to focus on it. I didn’t internalize it. It was their non-verbal way of calling me a CRIMINAL.
However, I was too busy working hard and living life to let these passive-aggressive mentality and isolated incidents bother me.
Then, it happened. I moved to southern California. Specifically, I moved to Ventura, California in the early 2000′s. Things that had been isolated incidents became every day, all day occurrences. The passive-aggressive mentality was coming from everywhere. What I didn’t understand was how all these different people knew that they were not to trust me? Did they meet at churches? At AA meetings? Cross Burning Events? Is there a memo sent out? Mass emails? Facebook? Twitter? The media? I know the media keeps most Americans in the dark about what is really going on. I suspected these passive-aggressive people were telling their kids negative things about blacks as well, because when the kids would see me they’d treat me like I’m some kind of animal out on the prowl. These HBP’s (Haters of Black People) in Southern California use this passive-aggressive approach to try to intimidate blacks into feeling uncomfortable, inferior, intimidated, and broken. I believe a lot of this is done to stop Blacks from moving into their community or to get them to move from the community. Most of these passive-aggressive haters are not going to do anything other than give dirty looks based on their own insecurities. They are like most people who hate; they are insecure and weak. So they try to put other people down to make themselves feel important. I learned to ignore them and focus on what I had to do. These haters didn’t exist anymore. Until, I couldn’t avoid it.
Within months of moving to the Ventura area, I was pulled over by the police a minimum of three times a week, one day even three times in one day, for “random checks and searches.” No speeding. No accidents. No miscellaneous traffic violations. No roadblocks or checkpoints. No loud music. I was even wearing my seat belt in every occurrence.
Co-workers at work, who imagine themselves experts on black issues because they watch stereotypical black people on the news and “Law and Order” episodes, decided I was one of the good ones and began to ask me ridiculous rhetorical questions or made stupid statements. Have you ever been in prison? Why do Black people act a certain way? As if I knew every black person in the world. “You’re different.” “I’m scared of big black men.” “I like light-skin blacks better.” The statements themselves didn’t shock me. The manner in which they were made did. All of these statements were made so nonchalantly, in a non-threatening manner. As if it was okay to say these things. However, if I responded to anything, I was being sensitive, paranoid, or playing the race card. Or my clever retort was met with the most ridiculous question ever: “Why does it always have to do with race?” As if I want it to be about race. It is OK to refer to certain Black situations as ghetto, but if I refer to something white as being “Redneck”, “Hillbilly” or “Poor White Trash” I’ll be considered a racist. One white co-worker mentioned to me that a Black female co-worker always has an attitude. I asked why he thinks that. He said she doesn’t smile. When I asked why white females who didn’t smile weren’t considered as having attitude, he looked at me like I was crazy and said “It’s OK to be serious sometimes.” When I talked to that Black female co-worker she was cool with me. She told me she was going back to Alabama when her contract was up. Amazing, a black person in 2004 moving back to Alabama from Southern California to get away from a hostile environment.
Let me make it clear that not all my co-workers were this way. However when you experience a lot of negativity, it outweighs any positive. After awhile it’s like a women being in abusive relationship. Does it really matter if the abusive man takes the woman out to romantic dinners every weekday if he’s beating her ass on the weekends? You can’t help but focus on the negative stuff. You try to block it out, but it keeps happening.
One day, I decided to do a little shopping in the Buenaventura Mall. As I walked through the main entrance, I heard a snarl, and a gruff “nigger”. I turned and there are two young bald white guys in a truck. Now, I’ve never been one to care if you don’t like me because of my race or whatever reason; my rule is just don’t put your hands on me. But then, they drove up on the curb and a huge wad of spit landed about three inches from my foot as they laughed and the truck bounced off the sidewalk and back into the parking lot. No, they didn’t put their hands on me, but close enough. I responded in a very immature way. I did something out of character for me. And well, that’s all I’ll say about that. I made my peace with God. I learned a lot about myself after that incident that no matter what you have to ignore their stupidity. Don’t let your reasons become your excuses.
It got even more serious. I went into my bank to deposit my paycheck. I walked through the bank’s doors. Once inside the bank, I was snatched out of a pleasant daydream by the sound of a gun cocking beside my right ear followed by the words “raise both hands slowly.” I did as I was told and as I looked up I saw that I was surrounded by undercover and uniformed police officers, all of whom had their aim on me. The officers slapped handcuffs on me. I was led out of the bank. I was completely disoriented. After three hours, two bruised ribs, and infinite mental images of twenty guns pointing at my head, I was released with the knowledge that there had been several bank robberies. What the hell did that have to do with me?
Then I had to deal with the super dumb, i.e. gang members, skinheads or other hate group members who are even more gutless because they won’t say anything or do anything when they are by themselves, but as soon as they outnumber you or have their guns, they want to show how stupid they are and think it is some kind of bravery for them to confront you.
One night a close friend and I decided to go to an event in Santa Monica. We stopped at a gas station on Cloverfield close to I-10. While I was pumping gas, I noticed an older model car drive up slowly. The car stopped and there were four young Hispanic males dressed in gang affiliate attire in the car. The passenger shouted, “What set you from?!” I was bewildered. All I could say was “huh?” as I heard the gun chambering. The driver said, “You guys banging?” I responded “Oh. No. We go to school at USC.” I don’t know where that came from (both of us had graduated from college already), it just popped out. They drove off slowly and another car with four young Hispanics drove by slowly giving us dirty looks. My friend jumped out of the car and started running, screaming “I don’t wanna diiieee!!!” Later that night, we laughed about it. Especially at what my friend did.
Then the reality of it hit me. We could have been killed for no apparent reason and the newspaper headlines would read “Gang Shootout in Santa Monica between Gang Members”. Lots of papers would be sold. No one would ever know that we were two hard working, innocent victims. An entire subset of people would be falsely accused. People would think Black gangs were moving in and would start buying hand guns and security systems to protect themselves. Perhaps some real gang bangers would feel a need to retaliate and more innocent, and not so innocent, people would die.
Then I found out that there was conflict between Blacks and Hispanics in Southern California, which apparently started in the California Prison System between Black and Hispanic prison gangs. CAN YOU BELIVE THIS? A whole region poisoned with stupidity because of what some jackasses who were dumb enough to get caught, and doing time in prison, feel about each other.
I’m reading small articles in local ethnic newspapers (not mainstream of course) stuff like this: After it was too late, LAPD put out the warning that big powerful Hispanic gangs were practicing ethnic cleansing in Southern California neighborhoods. Killing Blacks randomly to convince the ones who survived to move? “One hundred forty-seven members and associates of another racist street gang in the Los Angeles suburbs, Varrio Hawaiian Gardens, were indicted on racketeering charges, including murder, attempted murder and kidnapping. The indictment alleged that gang members ‘have expressed a desire to rid the city of Hawaiian Gardens of all African-Americans and have engaged in a systematic effort to achieve that result by perpetrating crimes against African-Americans.’” Sounded like something out of the 1700′s not 2004.
Tattoos and bald heads instead of white sheets. The excuse back then “Blacks are two-thirds a man, Blacks are inferior” now the excuse is because of some Blacks stole and did drugs or other lies like because they threatened the local economy by taking low wages jobs. Whatever the excuse, at the end of the day it is “minority-on-minority crime” and mostly poor minorities. Basically, “poor–on-poor crime.” How, in 21st century America can any group or gangs do this without our government intervening before it becomes a major issue? Our government is overseas thousands of miles away trying to break up gangs that live in caves and can’t even break up gangs that create terror right here on our soil. Why haven’t gang bangers been labeled terrorist? They have been terrorizing innocent minorities since the 60’s. I guess it’s only terrorism when white Americans get killed. No national public outcry. I’ll get more specific about gangs in the “Message To” section.
After, Cheryl Green, the 14 year old girl who was murdered playing in front of her house by two Hispanic gang members just because she was black, I lost all respect for everyone. No so-called Black leaders, no NAACP, no Oprah, she was too busy building schools for girls in South Africa while black girls in America are kidnapped, raped and murdered everyday without her taking a national stand. No Will Smith, Denzel Washington, Samuel L. Jackson, who all have money power and influence in southern California, but refuse to be speak out against the crimes against their community for fear of being identified with the community beyond their next role as a hit man, drug dealer, crooked cop, inept super hero or general asshole.
It is amazing to me how naive some people can be who think racism is gone because there are no Jim Crow laws or Black people hanging from trees. The same people who thought it would be post racist America because Obama became president. The same cowardly people who accuse victims of racism of being race baiters or playing the race card for speaking about the racism they’re experiencing instead of going after the people who are racist. Even with everything I went through I still don’t think it was all about race as much as it about stereotypes. I believe the media has done a great job trivializing race issues, by pushing bogus racial issues to the forefront of their headlines and ignoring real racial issues. They have treated racism like it is some kind of game or joke. The media has done a terrific job stereotyping blacks as criminals and parasites on society. They give those who want to hate, an easy excuse to hate.
When I was younger I wanted the American Dream. Wife, kids, blah blah blah. Then I was hit with a dose of American Reality. I’m not bitter; I’m glad those people woke me up from my dream while it was still a fantasy. I’m more focused and passionate than ever. Now in 2011 the aggressive manifestations are not as violent and prevalent as they used to be. I don’t fear for my life if I stop to get gas on Cloverfield. But the passive-aggressive mentality and approach is far more insidious than the direct violent approach used by other HBP’s. Instead of threatening the physical presence of isolated individuals, forcing the remainder of the group to band together and grow stronger, it attacks the spirit of the group, causing doubt, disorientation, and disunity from within. It weakens the interior structure until it implodes. It is a slow, painful death. It is genocide from within. Therefore, today every time I experience this passive-aggressive mentality, it fuels me to write and do research. It’s not about changing people’s minds who hate Black people. An old wise woman once told me, “Don’t waste your energy explaining racism to a racist because it’s like a woman trying to explain PMS to a man.” No matter how well she describes what she is going through, that man will never truly understand what she is going through because that man has never experienced what she is going through. It’s about documentation. For too long so-called Black leaders, politicians, and the media have controlled the documentation of Black issues and feelings. I’m documenting how I feel now. Some may not agree or like what I say, however I’m just an American Creation.
Nerdy
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